Yesterday

So yesterday when I woke up I was just beyond pissed to be in the same house as her (Sabrina).
So I called into work because it was my day off to see if there was any available shifts I could work.
Luckily there was, so I got dressed and ready and left quick as I could.

But before I called in, she had told her parents that I wasn’t going to move in nor help with the money anymore. (Like really bitch?)
Then her dad (who I strongly dislike) comes into the room and to bitch as me for not wanting to move in, not helping with the money anymore, and I need to keep to my word because I said I would. (I absolutely hate when people mix up my words, which is what she did)

Hoping that working would get my mind off things. Sadly, only when I’m checking that happens because I get to engage customers like non-stop and happy checking. Plus the CCK boss, she’s tight as shit and same with some other cashiers there too.
Though I work in the Home Department, which is okay sometimes, depending what I’m doing at the time. But non the less, working that day didn’t help my attitude at all.
Here’s the reason why:
First, I get to work and the mom text me saying

I am so dissapointed in you, and.. absolutely livid.

That just baffled me so I called her asking what the hell was that all about. She went on about how I should have kept to my word about moving in, blah blah blah, and how that I she saw a message about me wanting a friend to bring me some pills. (Which I’ll tell about that in another post)

So then as few hours passes by Sabrina text me saying she got all the money she needed to move in. How? I have no clue. Then she told me I wasn’t going to move in with her. Which I could care less.

So when I got off work, I went straight to the house and packed all my stuff. (I told her if we didn’t get the place that I had another place I would be moving into) So that ended my day with moving in with another friend and getting my hair dyed, and maybe smoking a bowl it two haha.

Two Days Ago

Lets Begin Here

So my best friend and I were going to get this apartment and move in with each other. Just so we can get out if her parents house. (Which I have no problem with them/family. Besides the dad and the oldest brother. Those two I don’t like at all.)

As I was working to get half of the money for the move in deposit (which I could have just in one and a half checks, but since I have to pay/save for over things took a little longer). All she wanted to was get high(smoke weed) every day, have sex with a dude who is old enough to be her dad, and do nothing and expect shit just to be handed to her.

So that morning I called her and told her that she needed to come home to get the rest of the stuff done so we can move in the place. Where was she at? That old dude she fucks and gets high with all the time. So she got all pissy with me because I putted that bitch in her place a bit.

I went off to work for the day. Everything was fine, again, till later that night.
I came home, getting ready to go to bed after coming home around 11:30 and working an 8hour shift. She comes in around 1 A.M. and starts to bitch about how her movies were went through and I should have fixed them.
Bitch, like I give a fuck about your movies.
She was getting done fixing all her movies and ready to leave the room. I told her

There’s no need to have an attitude.

She she replied back

Oh I’m sorry, I don’t think I was having an attitude towards you, not everything is about you

Usually, I just ignore the comments back, but since that Bitch was wrong about what everything she says about me I bit back and it ended up a in a huge argument a little after 2 in the morning.

It all ended with me telling her she fucked up from blowing up the wrong way and we’re no longer friends.

20130818-093105.jpg

Hold Me. Save Me

20130810-114133.jpg

I wish I had someone with me to hold/cuddle me to calm my anxiety. To make me feel better.
I hate how these feelings and pain comes in waves. Washing me under with no way out or reaching for help. Screaming and reaching out, but no one sees I’m in distress and needs help…
One day I’ll be totally fine, and then another, I’m at rockbottom and all I wanna do is cry. I just don’t know how to pick myself up…

Foolish

Doesn’t it suck knowing that things are ending between you and that one person, and you can’t do anything about it? But maybe… just maybe…

I feel like there’s still hope that you can change things; it would be a long shot though.

broken heartSo I hold on to that last bit of hope and fight for everything I think is worth fighting for; with all I have and not letting go.

I torture myself doing so I’m feeding my own mind lies. I know that I am denying the facts  and that I can’t do anything about. I am denying the knowledge that the one person I thought was a blessing; who I cared so much for, and thought he felt the same, just turns out to be just another lesson in life.

That wall, the barrier I brought down for him, hoping and thinking that he would actually be the one, but not to be hurt once again. So I start re-building up the walls in my own life again, higher than before. Not letting others get close to myself because I fear of being left again, being alone, with no one by my side.

He turned out to be someone who’ll let you down and once again that pain I wished to never feel again comes back. Though, that one person who I care greatly about and have such strong feelings for can break those walls down in an instant. Leaving myself with the pain to suffer again, over-and-over again.

I know that things between each other are coming to an end, but, yet I  just can’t accept the truth. Just not yet; though. So I pretend that everything is “fine”, and I still try to pursue things. Wondering no matter how much care you show and give.. It just isn’t going to change the outcome of the end.